The Wrong Planet

I don't have fun anymore. I try to, to no avail. I often attempt to do the same things that used to make me happy but I don't feel the joy anymore. The fun is slipping away and I fear it is for good. It wasn't like that before. It wasn't like that at all. I did have problems and issues but I was able to handle them and remain sane. This time I am feeling different. The deep core of my true identity is being masked with a thick sadness. It feels like a monster taking over my whole life.
I used to have fun at work. I look around me now and I feel an overwhelming sense of solitude and dejection. The same faces that greeted every morning and afternoon are not reaching me anymore. I have somehow built a huge fence between me and the rest of the world and it is here to stay. How did this happen? How did I allow it to happen? Myabe I tried to resist and fight this tyrant called depression but it is obvious to me now that I am losing the perpetual battle. Which makes me even sadder.. I used to go to my friends for help. I cannot even bring myself to do it anymore. I know I am being paranoid but I feel they are pushing me away too. I have finally decided to shut down. It would probably be a lot easier than to hope for something that will never happen. A psychic said to me once :" You are special". OK, thank you but I do not want to be special; if sepcial means miserable, lonely and erased.
It is during times like these, when I miss my parents the most. Things wouldn't be so bad......
I must have landed on the wrong planet, forty one years ago. Everything about it tells me I shouldn't be here.
I feel like a "guest" anywhere I may be present, a temporary visitor until it is obfficially time to leave. So I wait and wait, hoping to see their dear faces soon.

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