Three years ago

It is this date again. I dread and cherish it with the same passion. I don't know how to avoid these feelings anymore. Sometimes, I want to surrender to them. Three years and I still find myself at the same place. The fear, the solitude and dejection spin me in a world of confusion. She left three years ago and I still cannot overcome my inner void. I re-read the poem of "death is nothing at all" over and over and I stop at every word "she is around the corner waiting" and I find myself hoping to get "there" sooner than later.. What if she gets tired of waiting? No one else would wait for me, not even the living. This mom I had was extremely special. It would be hard to explain our relationship in a lousy essay but the contradictions of what it brought to my existence explain it very well. I never had a very close relationship with my mother. She was always busy with her work and my other siblings but she never missed to inspire me through her dedication, work ethic, and silent love. She taught by example and she taught constantly. I always looked up at her thinking in my head : was she a queen or an empress? That's how much majestic control she had. Even when she fell sick, she acted with grace and class, never wavered, whined or gave up. I watched this woman endure suffering, persecution, and betrayal with a lot of wisdom and tons of silence.. That was her Shaolin way. The monks of Buddha would have loved to have my mom among them as a teacher because teaching, she did so well. I don't have my mother in my life anymore. Cancer took her away from all of us but amazingly enough, I still feel her indelible presence in everything I do, feel or achieve. She has left me with a way of thinking, a life strategy that never fails, a universal philosophy that is timeless and a sense of self-worth that no one and nothing can destroy. I go through a lot of crap here and there at different times in my life, but I always manage to lift myself up, breathe again, and simply carry on. Because that's what you do when you live. You don't set yourself up to be a victim. You accept the reality, lift its loads on your back, and move on like a warrior. My mom was the ultimate warrior of life. By example, she taught me how to carry a spirit of one who doesn't quit until his "mission" is completed. She taught me who I am and THAT, I will never lose. Three years later, I miss her more than I could ever express in words, but I celebrate her teachings every day in everything I do or feel. She IS waiting around the corner and as much as I love my life and the little group of people that I adore and enjoy, I oftentimes find myself anxious to get to the corner and see her again. The hope is always there; seducing me, drawing me in its blinding light. I still have a lot to achieve, roles to fulfill, children to inspire, books to write, laughs and tears to produce... I still have a lot to leave behind and I know she would want me to. Thank you, mom. It has been three years; still it is not OK.