This Christmas

I leave the world behind when I talk to my parents (or about them); it is merely the same thing to me. I release my connection to this world and delve in the memories that kept me going for so long after they were gone. It is no longer about the sadness and loneliness; it is about comparing my current life to the one I once had with them. Christmas time seems to be the hardest every year. And every year I prepare myself to face its music but I fail. I fail miserably. If only they haven't shown me a "perfect" world, a "perfect" family, a "perfect" love, a "perfect" everything, I would be much happier today. I can't say truly that I miss them. I don't. I never have for they never left me; not even a moment of my monotnous life. I look around me and tune in to conversations about holidays, families, and parents and I shrug my shoulders. I don't have that privilege anymore. I can't say I am going home to my family and spending my favorite holiday with my parents. The sentence seems so trivial to a lot of people but to me I have long longed for it, in vain. They are gone and they are never coming back, with all the Christmas joy they always brought into our house, all the love, all the beautiful moments. This year , like every year, I will yearn for their love, cry a little bit at night and miss them even more than I could bear. This life has become so complicated as opposed to the simple rosy one we once had. I wish I can tell the miserable people around me to grasp every ounce of a memory with their loved ones and carve it in their brain so that it will shield them one day from the effect of problems, misery, and countless heartaches.. I think of them and I can't help but cry the outstanding human beings who taught me all about love, survival and determination. They are constantly with me but I admit I DO miss their voices, their faces, and our old shared places.. I love you mom and dad. Merry Christmas!